Last night I heard him
I heard him beat her soo bad she died & her soul was still screaming as loud as shotguns ringing in the air
slipped right into my dreams & I was helpless to save her
a sound that is never erased from your mind
it clings on grabbing your life till there’s nothing left screams pain and the horrors fall on silent ears
not wanting to hear or make a move thinking if I don’t he can’t hurt me not knowing that he already has
thinking if you do you’ll be next not knowing that you’re now
This is a horror not walked away from
it follows you wherever you are he has you just as well as he has her nobody’s untouched or unmoved
it’s printed on everything from the house to the children never to be washed away cleaned or forgotten this crime is waking me up forever
it’s forever forced on me
it takes more than one body to carry this burden
Peace & Love!
Sometimes in life especially when you have a dream your working at it may seam like we have hit a wall and that all of our efforts have gone unnoticed or you have a setback that makes us feel like perhaps we’ve made some wrong decisions and family and friends aren’t supportive. In this time when you’re in the trenches of your dream I feel it’s very important to take a moment with yourself and realize something’s. First thing is that this is your dream and your life you and you need to always have faith and believe in it. We should also know that fear and uncertainty is normal but we shouldn’t let it detour or stop us from reaching our goals. Remember why it is that you’re doing in in the first place. At some point in life it brought you joy happiness and fulfillment. You saw value in it it’s why you decided to pursue it. Take a moment and remember all of that. This path is yours don’t let anyone’s negativity get in your head and change the way you feel about what makes you happy. A lot of times the negativity that people exude on to others is due to their personal unhappiness. They can’t be happy for you because they are not happy with their selves so they want to bring and break you down. Sometimes this is hard to see in people because they’re your loved ones. For me personally starting this blog was an issue everyone had something negative to say about the idea but its what I truly wanted so hear I am no regret’s! And lastly don’t feel depressed or upset if you have to take a couple steps back to take bigger steps forward. Stay vigilant and always notice when this is so. Look at it as a new direction to your goal. A lot of times we don’t want to make the changes of taking steps backwards because it may feel like a failure. As Iyanla Vazant has said “All things are lessons that God would have us learn” and I truly believe this so no it’s not a failure it’s a lesson and a reroute. When we are doing what feels right and good for our selves and for the world it is our purpose and we can’t just walk away from that. It’s very important no matter what the dream is. I’m never going to let anyone not even myself talk me out of or take me from my passion and purpose in life and neither should you. Let’s stay positive and encouraged and conquer our goals. Life is a gift and a blessing let’s not waste it or in anyway be discouraged to live it.
I awoke this morning to the sounds of church bells there’s celebrations and a great thank you to all of the mothers in the world today outside my window! As I open my eyes there’s just a great pain in my heart. It hits me that I have nobody to buy flowers for or call and say thank you for being amazing, there’s no happiness or joy on this day. It’s a reminder that my mother abandoned me. So today I’m melancholy and I just want to sleep it away, But instead I’m adamant on at least attempting to be happy today so I have to get out of the house, walking through the malls and streets watching mothers and daughters or mothers and sons laughing and loving each other and I’m alone. For a brief moment the plethora of love and joy that surrounds me makes me feel temporally happy it’s hard not to smile in that moment but to be completely honest this day is just down right painful. Everyone knows that there is no love like a mothers love its unconditional and unyielding so I hear but it’s also something that I’ve wanted but will never have. I have no one to love or hold on today I feel left out (I wanna love somebody to damn it! lol). I have no idea what a mother’s love feels like. It’s an experience that I have never had I have never heard my mother tell me she loves me or give me a hug it’s the simple things that I want for the most. . I don’t even have a memory of her, not even a photograph. But the absolute thing that I “miss” the most is on a regular day when I’m absolutely awesome and I have achieved one of my goals and I have great news to share and I’m feeling amazing and on top of the world I always crash when I remember have no one to call no one is there to congratulate me. I have no mother. So in spite of my sadness today I say Happy Mothers Day to all of the mothers out there holding it down and taking care of business and are there when their children call. ShantiFreedom.
I have been living with the anxiety disorder PTSD for a great majority of my life; it wasn’t until the past couple years that realized what it actually was. For some reason I just felt that it was a part of life. I thought it was very natural to have crying spells, sleepless nights, flashbacks and panic attacks. Well guess what it’s not natural! Who knew!? I remember the day I decided that perhaps I should go speak to someone about what I was going though. It was a time in my life I was feeling more out of control than normal. I was so crazy nervous it took me about a month to get up the nerve to even make the appointment. That day I found out that I had an anxiety disorder I walked out of the office with so much going through my mind (like I needed more of that). I had no Idea of how I was going to deal. I had so many questions what if therapy doesn’t work? And I knew that I absolutely didn’t want to be on anyone’s medication. I was in counseling for over a year and even though it did help a little to talk about something’s in that moment I was still having the same troubles. These days I just take everything day-by-day and sometimes moment-by-moment if it’s a bad day, but I don’t plan on being trapped by this. Too often we feel alone out here and we soo aren’t. I want and will live a full and happy life no-matter what. This is my goal and plan and I hope if you are having a similar struggle you will join me in finding your happiness and freedom as-well. This is my life and my struggles please share yours we can get through this together. Shanti.Freedom